Disclaimer: I own nothing, nobody. I know the timeline is screwed up. Italics are Jeordie's story part, normal text is Trent's part.
I remember thinking, 'I shouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't, no I couldn't look at him that way. Aw, fuck it.' I'd never been good at self-control, never mind exercising it when I was watching one of the most domineering men in the world. His entire presence just...made me want him more. Yeah, yeah...I know -- getting a hard-on for your boss is probably one of the worst things to do, but I couldn't help it. The man knows how to control. He and Manson were engaged in one of the most tedious arguments ever. Trent wanted him to keep the drum line, and Manson wanted it cut. They went back and forth, like two year olds arguing over a piece of candy. I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to see what Pogo was up to.
Arguing with Manson was probably one of the worst parts of my job. Considering how much I hated it, it was a constant in that damned production. He wanted to work under me, then he needed to work under me, not on the same level. My title is, and was, producer, not 'suggester.' Fucking hell...Twiggy had gone and left, and I was stuck in the room with one of the most pretentious bastards I have ever met. Twiggy is the only reason I kept that fucking band as long as I did. I wish he knew that, maybe he would have stuck around more often.
Pogo was high...big surprise, right? I hated trying to find things to do when I knew Trent was around. All my mind could think of was how much I'd have really loved to sleep with him. Sure, it might sound like I thought he was just a piece of meat, but I do know the personality behind the body, and it's even more intriguing and sexy. Yes, control is sexy. Trent is sexy.
Twiggy always made me grin. Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be Mr. Angst, but sometimes I just don't feel like it. I watched him when he came back into the room, and that silly little smirk on his face let me know that he'd just scored some drug off whomever he'd happened to run into. It wasn't exactly hard to do, but he managed to get drugs anytime he moved from one spot. I watched as he pulled out 'Captain Larry Paul,' snorting the fine white powder off the surface of a ridiculous caricature of me...I wonder if that meant anything, or if it was just the only thing they always had handy.
Ahh, 'Captain Larry Paul.' It might have been one of the worst caricatures of Trent, but it still reminded me of him. Most times, I just wanted to kiss it when I was done with the drugs, but Manson is a smart guy and he probably would have figured it out. Trent was saying something and I had to focus really hard to tune in, 'Where did you find them this time?'
Thinking quickly wasn't my best point, but I managed it, 'Oh..um...I managed to carry some off from Pogo's stash,' I heard myself reply.
Manson left, probably looking to steal from Pogo like I had. Trent stared after him saying, 'Nice...can you try convincing that fool that the song sounds better with the original drum line in?'
'Well, I could try...' I felt myself grin, and suddenly there were strange words coming from my mouth; it must have been the drugs, 'For a certain price.' I giggled. Why in God's name had I said that?
Imagine my shock when Twiggy started coming on to me...and I loved it, 'I'll pay any price...' I felt myself smiling, watching Twiggy's eyes glaze over.
Suddenly my body was moving of it's own accord. I didn't have control, and I liked that. Trent had just said he'd pay any price, but I wonder if he knew what price I was asking. I walked towards him, grinning foolishly. I could feel the heat of his body the closer I got. I pressed myself against him, my hand reaching to touch his cheek, my lips gently brushing his, and I heard myself whisper, 'Trent, I want you...' I could feel his heart racing, and I watched his eyes grow wide.
The moment he said those words, I thought my heart would burst. He had just said the words I'd wanted to hear from him since I first met him. I closed my eyes and kissed him, my tongue pushing it's way from my mouth, running over his soft lips, slowly, gently. Twiggy's hands reached up to the back of my head, pulling me closer. He parted his lips slightly, allowing my tongue to find its way into his mouth.
God, I nearly melted when he kissed me. I wanted it to last forever, the feeling of perfection, of being wanted. I opened my mouth, letting him take possession of me. He ran his tongue over my teeth, letting it slide over my own tongue. I wanted more. I reached my hand up to his hair, running my fingers through it's thick softness. I finally felt him pull away, drawing a deep breath. I had to say it then, say it when I had him that close, 'Trent...I've wanted this for so long..please...' I opened my eyes, afraid I would see him laughing.
A million thoughts ran through my mind, each one of them having the same results and I spoke before I knew what I was going to say, 'Twiggy...you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that.'
I saw his eyes widen under that ridiculously messy mop of braids. His voice was so tiny, 'R-really?'
'Yes, I really like you...I love...the way you are.' It was too soon to tell him what I really meant.
I could have been knocked over with a feather at that moment, 'T-thank you.' What else could I say? So, I didn't. I took his hand and squeezed it gently, kissing his cheek...and just when he was turning his head to kiss me -- the door opened. I could have wished death upon anyone that would ruin that moment for me. Manson walked into the room, 'Fine Trent, we'll keep the fuckin' drum line,' he snarled. He was always in such a pissy mood when he didn't get his way.
I looked at Manson, my hand still in Twiggy's and nodded, 'I told you it sounds better. Take the rest of the day off -- it's almost quitting time anyway.' I could feel Twiggy's hand squeeze mine gently, behind our backs.
Manson growled, 'Good, wasn't coming back to work anyway, just wanted to see if Twiggy had any drugs left.'
'Um...y-yeah...they're over with Captain Larry Paul...' he sounded scared, almost like if Manson found out what'd happened then he would be in trouble.
I don't know why, really...but I didn't want Manson to find out..not then. He was always so possessive of me, especially after -- well...I mean...it was only one time, but I guess he thought that made me his. I reluctantly let go of Trent's hand and walked towards the picture. Manson followed me closely, mumbling to himself. I looked over at Trent, wondering what he was thinking. Manson always had the control in our relationship. That could have ended if Trent had let me know just how serious he had been about me...but that...that's over now. I handed Captain Larry Paul over to Manson, who immediately snorted the one line left, 'Thanks,' he mumbled thickly.
'No problem, s'what friends are for, isn't it?' I asked, wanting him to leave.
'Mmm, yeah...maybe I'll go see how many other friends will share, you coming with me?'
'N-no...I...I don't need more, I'm pretty good where I'm at.' I smiled, trying to look as vacant as possible. Apparently, I'm good at looking vacant.
The minute Manson left the room, I spoke, 'Twiggy...why do you let him control you like that?' I thought I saw the flicker of an answer in his eyes, but then it was gone, and he was giggling helplessly. I watched, feeling my own grin, 'You're so weird, you know that?'
I paused when he called me weird. I knew it was true, but there's something that makes you want to seem perfect to the guy you like. Maybe it's a fear that if he knows your faults that he'll drop you, but it hurt to hear Trent call me weird. I whispered, 'Yeah. I know I'm weird, Trent. Sorry.'
I swear, the saddest person sat before my eyes when Twiggy told me he knew he was weird. I hadn't meant to hurt him. Not at all. 'Twiggy...' I started, then stopped. I realised I didn't even know his real name. Calling him Twiggy when I was trying to be serious was a little strange. 'Can I ask you a question?'
He looked up at me, sadness in his deep brown eyes, 'Yeah?'
'Do you mind if...I mean...could I call you by your real name?'
I looked up at Trent, a little surprised. I'd forgotten he didn't know my real name. 'Y-yeah, if you want to. It's Jeordie.' Suddenly I had an image of Trent moaning the name Twiggy and it was all I could do to stop myself from laughing.
He looked at me, 'What is it? What's so funny?' he looked slightly paranoid, 'Did I say something stupid?'
I looked off to the side of the room, 'I just thought it was a little funny that we've known each other for so long, and you never knew my name.'
Trent grinned, 'Do you think...I mean...would you like to...I dunno, this is hard for me...' Trent trailed off, leaving me thinking.
I couldn't seem to bring myself to ask him out. It seemed to me that...I never really knew I could have feelings for a guy and suddenly asking another man out, no matter how feminine he might be...well, it was a very scary thing.
I took a really deep breath and looked at Trent, right into those deep hazel eyes, 'Trent...I would love to.' I didn't know quite what he meant, but I was fine with whatever he wanted to do with me.
He looked up, just slightly puzzled, 'You're sure? I mean...with like...public and all? Manson would find out.'
Suddenly, I didn't care anymore. I wanted the world to know. I wanted everyone to know that Trent wanted me, 'That's okay Trent, he'll find out eventually anyway.'
I couldn't stop myself; when Twiggy looked up at me with those intent brown eyes, I felt my heart give a little leap. I saw him stand and walk towards me, but I didn't see the door open. My eyes were focused completely on Twiggy. He was pretty eye level with me, watching my eyes as he walked, a deep seductive look calling me closer.
I wanted him. I heard the door open, but I didn't care. I couldn't take my eyes off his or something would break. That spell I had him under would dissolve and I'd be left alone again; I'd be left alone with the one person I didn't even trust completely -- myself.
Twiggy's eyes had me completely spellbound. I reached out to touch his cheek -- always so soft and smooth...I wondered briefly how he managed it. He leaned in toward me, his eyes on fire with want. Leaning forward I touched my lips to his, softly, quickly.
I jumped when I heard someone gasp behind me. Trent pulled back fast, looking up to whoever was behind us. I turned, and sighed in relief, 'Ginger...'
He gave a nervous laugh, 'Hey guys...doin' a little...after work...work?'
'Yeah Ginger...just you know...working. Appreciate it if you wouldn't tell Marilyn.'
'No problem Twiggles. Just make sure you lock the door before you put in your overtime.'
I couldn't help grinning, 'Yeah Ginger. Did you want something?'
'Nope, was just looking for some drugs, but it looks like you took them all.' He left before I could say anything.
I felt Trent's hand on my shoulder, 'Do you want to come back to my place? There isn't anyone there.'
I was ecstatic, 'Yes...please...'
Okay, I was taking another guy back to my house. Just the two of us. No drugs, no booze...just me and him...and he accepted. Hell, what was experimentation, right? No matter how many times I said that to myself, I knew it wouldn't ever be just experimenting. This was real. This was what I'd wanted for such a long time. I smiled at him, 'Come on, let's go.'
We got into my car and sped off, enjoying the warm air, 'Trent?' Twiggy's hesitant voice was small, and I thought I could hear it shaking.
'Yeah?'
'Um, well...I mean...I don't know what you have planned...and um...I just wasn't sure...what we needed...'
I was a bit lost, 'Well, I don't know really. I guess I just thought we could, um do...you know...just...whatever.'
Twiggy nodded, 'Okay.' So, silence reigned over the rest of the car ride.
I remember sitting in the passenger seat of Trent's car, smelling the leather and Trent's cologne. It seemed like the very essence of Trent, just lingering in the car. Then I had a thought. I knew Trent hadn't ever been with a guy, and...if he wanted to do anything...intimate...would he have the right supplies? I tried asking, but I don't think I did it right because when I got done it was all quiet until we got to his house. Well, we'd see what happened, wouldn't we? When Trent pulled into his garage, I looked around. I'd never been in the garage before...no need to. It was nice, well...nice for a garage.
I saw Twiggy looking around and grinned. I loved the look he had on his face whenever he went somewhere new, or met a new person. He'd furrow his eyebrows...or lack thereof, and his lips would come together, into a little line. 'You look adorable.'
He jumped, 'I what? No...no way.' He blushed.
'No, really...' I leaned forward, touching his arm softy, 'I mean it.'
He called me adorable! The angsty hate machine, Trent Reznor, just called me, the glitter fag of Marilyn Manson, adorable. My world was officially upside down, 'Trent, you can't mean that. I mean...I'm all..scuzzy.'
He laughed, 'Twiggy....Jeordie, I'm serious. I said you were adorable and I meant it, but maybe beautiful would have been better.'
I looked down at my red dress and my white tights. I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye, 'Thank you, Trent. You don't know what that means to me.'
I couldn't believe how low this poor man's self esteem was. He couldn't seem to understand that he wasn't just some boy in a dress...he looked good while he was doing it. I wondered who told him he wasn't good enough, but whoever it was, they were wrong. I touched his hair, stroking it gently, 'Come on, let's go inside.'
He whispered, like he was afraid to speak louder than that, 'Okay.'
I got out of the car, watching him. When he turned to get out, I thought I saw a glimmer of tears on his cheek, but I could have imagined that.
That was what sealed it for me. I knew that no matter what might happen, I needed to keep him in my life. I needed him to watch me in that subtle way of his, to smile that little smirk he usually kept hidden away. I got out of the car and smiled at Trent, 'Sure, let's go in. Do you have anything to drink?'
Trent looked up, 'Alcohol?'
'No, I don't want to be drunk right now. Not tonight.' Trent grinned at me.
I couldn't help being relieved when Twiggy said he didn't want to be drunk. That meant he wanted that night to be real. He wanted it to be something he wouldn't regret. I grinned, 'Sure thing, Twigs. I have a lot of stuff to drink.'
He giggled. I loved his laugh. I loved his happiness. He walked slowly, like he didn't want to ruin anything by rushing. He kept watching me, from the corner of his eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. I didn't have to wonder for long, 'Trent?'
'Yeah?'
'Why are you doing this? Are you really serious?'
I couldn't believe he was so insecure, 'Yes Jeordie. I'm serious about this. I'm doing this because I like you. A lot. It isn't just...a passing fancy.' I stopped walking and looked at him, 'I really mean it.'
He stopped and smiled, a real genuine smile, 'I'm serious too, Trent. I really like you too.'
Hearing him say my name like that sent shivers down my spine. I grinned, 'Ready for that drink?'
I smiled when he asked me if I was ready for my drink. I nodded, 'Yes, please.' He walked into his kitchen, a roomy space covered in mahogany wood. The dark wood brought out the muted green of the walls and floor. I looked around, taking a seat on the comfortable kitchen chair.
'What do you want? I have milk, water, lemonade, orange juice, coke...'
I thought for a minute, 'Milk? Please?'
'Sure thing.' Within seconds he had milk poured into a nice tall glass.
'Thank you,' I drank the milk slowly, watching Trent drink his Coke. He smiled and put his can down, pulling a chair very close to mine, 'So...can you tell me why you wanted this?'
I blinked, thinking, 'Well...you're strong...and smart...and controlling...and sexy.'
Twiggy called me sexy. I smiled a smile I thought was seductive -- a smile I hoped was seductive. He grinned at me, his hair still a mop sitting on his head, covering one eye, 'You know...I think control is what brought my attention to you in the first place. I mean...' and then Twiggy paused, chewing on his bottom lip, 'My life is so out of control that I guess I thought...if I had someone that knows how to control people...they'd be able to control me.'
I watched Twiggy as he said that, looking so sad and lost, and I felt it tug at my heart. All he wanted was someone to care enough to tell him no. I took his hand in mine, rubbing his fingers, 'You want someone with control, do you? Well, if that's what you really want...I'll be that person for you.'
'You want someone with control, do you? Well, if that's what you really want...I'll be that person for you.' When Trent said that I wanted to believe him, I really did. I just couldn't. Somewhere deep inside I knew that it wouldn't last. I'd run with it though. I'd decided that however long this would last...that it would be good. Trent was still watching me, rubbing my hand, waiting for my response. I leaned forward and kissed him, softly -- passively. He let go of my hand and touched my cheek, running his thumb over my jaw line. I pulled back then, looking into his curious eyes, 'Twiggy? What's wrong?'
'Nothing at all. I just...want you.' I couldn't believe my brazenness..sometimes I still can't.
I smiled. I don't think Twiggy realised just how much I wanted him too, 'Then have me. I want to please you. I want you to want what I've got.' Oh god, that was so cheesy. I thought he would never want me after that bomb, but Twiggy surprised me once more.
'Mmm...believe me, I want what you've got so badly, it hurts.'
I grinned and stood up, 'Well, come on then.'
I watched him stand, smoothing out his cute little red dress. I leaned into him and scooped him up, kissing his forehead softly. It was so funny when he squealed, and it seemed he was ticklish too. I brought the fingers of my left hand up, to press into his ribs gently.
'Aiyee!!' I squealed, trying to squirm out of Trent's grasp. He knew I was ticklish and was trying to make me surrender, I think, 'Ah! T-Trent! I..I give up!'
I laughed, watching Twiggy squirm helplessly. I carried him to my bedroom and watched him look around. I knew he'd been in here before with one of the random girls he'd picked up, but I didn't think he'd realised then that he'd fucked her in my bed.
'This is a guest room, right?' I looked over at Trent nervously, biting my lip. I remembered sleeping with that random whore in there. I hoped to God it wasn't Trent's bed I had done that in.
'Nope, my room.' Trent replied, looking at me from the corner of his eye.
'O-oh...I'm sorry.'
I knew just as well as Twiggy did that he was apologizing for fucking up my bed that night, 'It's alright. Seriously...I think it was kind of funny actually.'
Twiggy looked at me, blushing, 'Well, we could always make new memories to blot out the old ones.'
I couldn't believe I let that out. I was practically begging Trent to fuck me. The best part was that Trent didn't say no, he just kind of grinned a silly little grin and touched my cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, seemingly asking for a kiss. I pursed my lips, nervously pressing them to Trent's. His lips were so soft, sweet...so inviting. I traced my tongue over the curve of his lower lip. His mouth was opening slowly, his warm hand on my neck. I felt his tongue dart out of his mouth, slowly brushing over my own. I gave over all my control then.
Twiggy initiated everything. He kissed me and suddenly my mind was enveloped in the sweetest kiss I'd ever had. His lips tasted like chocolate, his mouth creamy from the milk he'd had. I couldn't stop myself. I kissed him fervently, one hand on his cheek, my other hand running over the back of his neck, slowly, methodically. I was going to find every point that would make him squirm, every spot that would make him whimper. I pulled back from the kiss absolutely breathless.
I slowly opened my eyes, watching Trent try to catch his breath. I was well aware of the uncomfortable tightness under my dress, and if Trent looked...he'd be well aware of it himself. I swallowed hard, watching him, waiting for some kind of revulsion at what he'd just done.
I blinked, looking down, catching sight of Twiggy's approval of my kiss. He didn't seem to know what to do with himself -- and hell if I knew how to take a guy the right way. I didn't want to just experiment, I wanted it to be something Twiggy and I could look back on with enjoyment, not just another fumbling fuck. I figured if I initiated the next part, Twiggy might calm down. I pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it on the floor.
I'll admit, Trent didn't always have the most breathtaking body -- but I swear that first time I saw him with his shirt off, I couldn't catch my breath. Maybe it was the drugs I'd taken earlier, but in that singular moment he looked -- to me -- like an Adonis. His slight muscle and perfect abdomen drew my eyes lower, wondering what else might be as perfect as the sight before me.
I watched Twiggy's eyes as they roved over my body, wondering just what he was thinking. I didn't know what else to do, so my hands went to my pants. All of a sudden Twiggy rushed forward, grabbing my hands, 'No! Not yet!'
I was pretty surprised, but I wasn't going to argue with him. He blushed then, really looking (almost) innocent. He smiled, shyly and asked, 'Are you...like...really sure about this? 'Cause um...if we do this, um...I'm not sure I'll be able to..like...um...forget it...so um, yeah.'
I shook my head, 'If you aren't sure, Twigs..we don't have to. I don't want t-'
Twiggy cut me off, 'Trent, I want to..I want to really bad, but...I'm afraid that...you just want this to be a one-time thing, and...' he paused, obviously looking for the right words, 'I don't. I want..to have something special with you,' he whispered.
'Twi- Jeordie...I want...I want to try having a real..relationship too. I can't ever get you out of my mind.'
I gasped when Trent told me that, then I nearly leapt on him. I kissed at his cheeks, his mouth, his chin...anywhere on his face that I could reach. I held both his hands in mine, squeezing them like, if I ever let them go, he'd run away. I had to let go eventually, and when I did -- he didn't run. He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. He seemed to let every pent up moment of lust into that single kiss, into that one action. I could have ridden into forever on that cloud of happiness he placed me on. I think I would have if he hadn't pulled away at the moment I had that thought. I wondered if I had said it out loud. I couldn't have, because he looked at me, and pushed his pants off in a very slow, deliberate way. It was almost like he was daring me to stop him, and yet he knew I never would. I gasped, realising he wasn't wearing anything under his jeans. He really was perfect in every way. He started blushing, the reddish hue to his cheeks practically begging me to push him down and make him writhe underneath me. What the hell was I going on about? Every fibre of my being wanted to have him push me down, take me hard and fast and...everything would be perfect. Looking back now, I laugh. The first fuck of many. Somehow it's almost vague in my mind, like I don't want to remember the fumbling sweetness of teaching him how to take a man. But I do. I want to remember everything about those moments of tender nervousness, of muddled bliss. I looked him over, his perfection making me nervous and self-conscious in spite of myself. I'd done this so many times before...and I never felt anything like this. I never felt the overwhelming urge to run away because I wasn't good enough -- because I wasn't hot enough.
Twiggy paused in looking me over and his eyes took on this...blank look, like he was remembering something, or maybe he was trying to forget. Even after all these years, I'm still not sure what happened in those few moments of complete emptiness. Suddenly, he grinned at me and started tugging at the white tights. When he had them around his ankles he kicked them off, almost daintily. Up to now, he had still not revealed any portion of his body, and was taking in every inch of my own frame, nearly devouring it with his eyes. In a few moments his panties joined the rumpled pile of his tights -- and still there was nothing for me to see, except his remarkably smooth legs. He turned his back to me, and glanced over his shoulder, a smouldering look in his eyes. I knew there was nothing under that thin cloth he called a dress, and that turned me on even more. Slowly, his fingers twitched the hem of his dress up -- making it creep slowly up his thighs. My legs trembled, probably noticeably, but he never took his piercing gaze off my eyes -- which never left the hem of his stunningly red dress. I nearly ran to him, wanting to tear his clothes off rather than withstanding this agony of waiting any longer, but held myself in check as I observed the slight, yet intoxicating curve of his ass. When he finally had the dress up around his waist, he purred. The man literally purred. It was the sexiest noise I'd ever heard and I couldn't stop myself. I went to him and tugged on the zipper at his back. The back of the dress fell open, revealing his smooth, pale shoulders. I pushed at the material, making it fall to a puddle of red at his feet. I suddenly wondered if maybe I was moving too fast for him.
I gasped as I felt Trent's hands lightly running over my ass. To be completely honest, I was so relieved he wanted me badly enough to let his hands venture on their own, and then he stopped, whispering, 'I'm not going too fast, am I?'
I groaned, 'Oh - fuck no...I...just...do you like..know the details?' Trent moved away from me then, and I guessed I'd offended him, 'Look man, I didn't mean to imply you couldn't like..figure shit out...but...fuck. I'm sorry,'
He laughed just then, whispering softly, 'Guess you figured me out then. Truth is, Twiggy,' and here he paused, looking me over, and continued, 'I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here, and would appreciate any suggestions you could give me.'
Admitting that I knew next to nothing about what we both wanted so badly felt...good. I figured he would laugh at me, or...I don't know, leave me standing there feeling stupid. He grinned at me, and turned to kiss me. I got my first real glimpse of his entire body, and I was shocked. He pulled back a little, and slowly started pushing me back toward the bed. He stopped and glanced around, murmuring softly, 'Um..do you have any..um..' He swallowed hard, blushing, 'You know...any...um...stuff. You know, to like...make things...slippery?'
Suddenly it clicked, 'Damn, I uh...no. So...what now...go buy some?'
'Well, no. We could improvise.' Twiggy glanced at me, licking his lips, 'Just..lay down, let me take care of it, okay?'
So I did as I was told, watching him closely, 'W-wait! Y-you're not just gonna do it without...' I was suddenly really nervous. There are just some things you don't want to imagine, and pain is not something that was high on my list.
I couldn't stop myself from giggling, 'Trent...I'm not a top. I never really had the chance, besides...even if I was I wouldn't let your first time be without lube. I'm not gonna do anything that'll hurt you, so shut up and let me take care of this part.' I pushed him back down and looked him over. Slim, pale, and yet masculine. I leaned down and kissed his chest, softly, licking at the slight curve of his neck. He squirmed and I wondered if he'd ever had leisurely foreplay, or if he was just the type to...get it over with. I closed my eyes, trying to clear all thoughts from my head. I kept kissing and licking, trying to prepare myself, getting used to the taste of his body. He kept squirming, making soft noises. I kissed down his torso, licking particular sensitive areas. Trent's hands were clinging to the bedclothes and I wondered how long it had been for him. I didn't care so long as this was all he remembered. I moved lower, my hand slightly touching his leg. I ran my hand slowly over the inside of his thigh, letting my fingers brush his cock.
When I felt Twiggy's fingers on my body, I very nearly came right then. His hands kept wandering, slowly. Suddenly I felt his hot breath on the head of my dick, his soft tongue licking slowly, tantalisingly. 'Fuck...' I gasped softly. His tongue moved over every inch of my cock, making it slippery with his saliva.
At that point, I understood his intentions. I watched as he took his mouth away, slowly running his fingers over the tip of my cock, smearing the precum messily. He grinned up at me then, 'You ready?'
Trent looked so lost in ecstasy that I almost wanted to just suck him off until he came, but the selfish side of me wanted to feel him inside me. He nodded when I asked if he was ready. I moved away from him to let him sit up, so I could lay down. He moved over, 'I hope you're good at teaching while you're on your back.'
I laughed, 'Better than when I'm standing.'
Trent smiled, and watched as I lay down and spread my legs.
God, Twiggy never even hesitated, like he wasn't afraid of anything. He bit his lip, and whispered, 'This is...kind of..the weird part..' He licked his fingers, and slowly ran them over his entrance. He pushed a finger into himself, swallowing hard, 'U-usually..I guess...you could d-do t-this...if it didn't...weird you out.'
I bit my lip, 'Twiggy, I want to...please let me?'
He nodded, letting his hands go to his sides. I pushed my fingers into his mouth, then grinned as he licked them. He closed his eyes, sucking on my fingers. I pulled my hand away then, and slowly pushed a finger into Twiggy. He gasped softly as I closed my eyes, 'W-wow...you're sure you can..um..handle..more than this?'
'Y-yes..yes...' he whispered, squirming. I moved my finger slowly, then added another. He told me how to move them, how to get him ready.
Finally, he whimpered, 'Trent...please...'
I bit my lip, and slowly guided myself into his entrance. He gasped opening his legs a little wider.
Feeling Trent inside me for the first time is something I will never forget. He was so hard, and it was for me...I made that happen. He moved slowly, his hands on my thighs, squeezing gently. His eyes were closed in concentration, his tongue running over his lips. I reached up, slowly tracing the slight muscle of his arm with my fingertips. I panted softly, the sensations of Trent moving inside me overwhelming. He groaned softly, moving faster. I watched him move over me, my senses floating between ecstatic and completely delirious. His thrusts were erratic, almost frantic, and he was growling loudly. I groaned, watching him above me, sweat forming on his forehead. His thrusts slowly got harder, more intense and I moaned as an orgasm shook his entire body. He spasmed madly, the warmth filling me, triggering my own release. I whimpered, trembling, my eyes shut, terrified because I was making a mess on Trent's stomach. I was sure this would make him realise he was sleeping with a man, and that it would disgust him. Instead, he ran his hand through it, lapping it off his fingers.
I really don't know what made me start licking Twiggy's cum off my hand, but...I don't regret a minute of it. When I saw the look of relief on his face, I wondered if he knew that I had wanted him so badly for so long. I pulled away slowly, letting him calm down. I crawled up next to Twiggy, lying next to him and pulling him into my embrace.
I was still trembling when Trent pulled me close to him. I couldn't really explain why I was shaking, but he didn't ask. Trent kissed my forehead, his breath warm on my face. Then my entire world was changed.
'Jeordie...I love you. I r-really think I do...' I got the words out. I don't know how I managed it, but I did. When I opened my eyes, Twiggy was staring at me with tears in his eyes.
'T-trent...' he didn't say anything more than that, but his hands found mine, and he clung to them, almost like he was afraid to let me go.
'Jeordie, I'm not going to run away...you can let go of my hand now.'
As he did, I could swear, I saw a look of shame in his eyes. I just pulled him closer, whispering softly, 'Please stay tonight...' And I fell asleep with him, holding him as close as I could manage.
I don't really remember much except Trent telling me he loved me. When he pulled me closer, I closed my eyes and let myself fall into the sweet oblivion of sleep.
You know, when I woke up the next morning and Twiggy was still lying there, I was so happy. He looked so...innocent. Yeah, I know it's strange to hear anyone call Twiggy innocent, but that's how he looked. He was so relaxed, his hair just fell over his shoulders so...softly. I couldn't stop myself from leaning over and kissing him.
Waking up to Trent's kiss was so...different. I'd never woken up next to someone I hadn't regretted fucking, and the feeling was magical. He pulled away and smiled at me, 'Last night was great, Twiggy.'
"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?' I blushed, remembering all the sensations from the night before.
'I..hope we can do it again.' Trent whispered, blushing, 'Only...I'd like to...try the um...the bottom.'
I could feel my forehead rising, 'R-really?'
Trent nodded, 'You looked like you were so...satisfied. And like, it was amazing...but I just...want it the way you had it.'
'Okay. Y-yeah, anything Trent.' I couldn't really believe what I was hearing, but if he wanted to try it, who was I to stop him?
It took so much courage to tell Twiggy that. All through the day at the studio it took every fibre of my being to concentrate. Not that there was much to concentrate on, after all...everyone and his fucking brother was high and didn't want to have anything to do with recording the fucking album. Maybe I should have just...given up.
That day was hell in the studio. I didn't want to record anything, but I tried my hardest to do what Trent asked. Then the drugs came in. I was feeling terrible, physically, and I just wanted something to bring my mood even higher.
I was so angry when I saw Twiggy starting in on the drugs. I guess I thought, with some small part of me, that we could both quit together. I needed some alcohol.
Looking back, the moment I did that line of cocaine was probably the moment everything started to fall apart. Of course, it decayed so slowly that Trent and I had almost six months to learn everything we loved (and hated) about each other.
Finally after so long, the album was done and...Twiggy was heading out on tour. I knew that this would probably break everything we'd worked at for these last six months, but what could I do? If they wanted to get anywhere they had to tour. Twiggy would have his groupies and his prostitutes, and it would probably be a fucking miracle if he ever even thought of me. God, I knew what it was like...touring, having random girls give anything for one night with you...I just wished I could have been that person for Twiggy every night.
The day came when Manson pushed it too far. I don't even know what the hell any of it was about. I just remember that the next time I walked into the room, Trent gave me a look that really could have killed. I probably would have worried about it if I hadn't been so goddamned high. Even after six months I still hadn't let Trent be the bottom...and some part of me wondered if maybe that wouldn't ever happen. Sure, I cared about him almost as much as I ever cared about anything, but my world was slowly changing. Manson obviously didn't want Trent to be part of the world he was creating, and yet...here I was sticking by Manson's side.
Time went by and I didn't hear from Twiggy at all. I had my own pride to keep intact, and I was fucking busy. I did everything I could to keep my mind off him and what he really meant to me.
Shows were amazing, drugs were abundant and free, and girls were willing to do anything. Most guys were just as willing as any other girl, and I had pretty much anything I could want. I was only missing one thing, and Manson made sure I never had the chance to even call. Whether he was feeding me drugs or fucking with my phones every which way from Sunday, I never got to call.
The first time I heard from Twiggy during the whole goddamned tour was some day at roughly six thirty in the morning. He was babbling -- whispering everything. You know the only words I understood? Whiskey and speed, and I'm pretty sure there was something in there about shaving his head. I was disgusted with him, and with myself even more.
I think I called Trent the morning I shaved my forehead. Manson had just gone to bed at six a.m., and had left all the phones untouched. Of course, I was high and the whiskey didn't help much, but I managed to get a call in to Trent. It was probably one of the most depressing calls of my life. Trent hung up on me halfway through my musings on what I would look like with the front of my hair gone. Rather than talking to myself about it, I just went ahead and did it. I didn't realise that I had just taken one of the first steps in destroying one of the best times of my life.
I drank more, I got meaner, and I did drugs even when I had no idea of the effects they would have on me. I got sucked into a world that hated me almost as much as I hated it. The only reason I ever held onto the thoughts of Twiggy were memories of that first night. That first time of tenderness and happiness. The only time of true happiness that I would have for years. Destruction and hatred for myself would make sure that happiness was something that only came in dreams of non-existence.
There was one night after the tour was over that I went to Trent's house. I was high, and probably had been drinking whiskey, but I can't really remember now. What I do remember is the look of complete contempt that crossed Trent's features when he saw that I was at the door. He looked like he was going to close the door in my face, but...
I grabbed Twiggy so hard when he showed up at my house that night. I remember pulling him into the house by the back of the neck, and slamming him into the door after I'd closed it. I think I slapped him a few times, but it's kind of hazy now; I'd been drinking too much again. I got real close to his face, and I remember screaming at him. I remember screaming for every moment of hurt and disappointment I'd had since he left.
Trent was screaming at me, making my ears ring, and my head hurt..and I think he might have slapped me. I can't remember -- but then he kissed me. I think every emotion on earth was in that kiss -- hurt, love, hate, lust...everything. That night...Trent had me in every way that hurt. He humiliated me, and fucked every feeling out of me. When he finished with me he told me to get out. I'm not sure how he even expected me to move.
Fuck, I know I hurt Twiggy, but he fucking hurt me too. Maybe he wasn't the only reason I was on this fucking path trying to destroy myself, but he was one hell of a big reason. How the hell could I 'make love' with a man that fucked two or three different people in a day? I couldn't fool myself into believing that I was the only one. I couldn't look at him without that seed of contempt blooming into a flower of passionate hatred.
I finally managed to get out of Trent's bed, and I hobbled to the car outside. I didn't know where to go, or even what to do. I had no idea that Trent was so angry with me, or even why. I loved him...didn't he know that? I collapsed into the driver's seat of his car, sniffling and crying like a little bitch. I couldn't drive myself anywhere..this wasn't even my car. I couldn't walk to any hotel, or even a bus stop..they were all too far away.
I didn't really mean to hurt Twiggy as badly as I guess I did. When he left the room he was limping and he might have been crying. I couldn't really tell you for sure...because it could have been the tears in my own eyes glimmering. I started to get up to chase him, but then I figured that I would only hurt him more. I stood and looked out the window after a few minutes. There he was, sitting in my car...crying. I couldn't take much more of it, so I put some clothes on and went out there.
I didn't see Trent until he was kneeling at my side, whispering softly. I couldn't hear him, and I didn't want to either. My ass hurt, my head hurt...but worst of all my heart hurt. It really hurt, it was racing and I couldn't catch my breath. At that point I was presented with the first and only overdose of my entire life. I didn't know what was happening to me, and I couldn't bring myself to admit that I needed help. I didn't want Trent to know what was happening, but he saw through me anyway. The goddamned bastard saw through me, just like he always had, and probably always will.
Twiggy was trembling madly and he was holding his chest, wheezing madly, trying to breathe. I had to get an ambulance fast, or he wasn't going to make it. I ran into the house and called. I didn't care if it got out to the public, this was a matter of his living or dying. I waited anxiously, staying on the phone with the operator until I heard the wail of the sirens. I ran back out to Twiggy, who was passed out by then. They lifted him onto a stretcher, taking all his vitals...it's really just a blur now. There was so much action, so much that I didn't understand. I went with him to the hospital...I saw them pumping his system with absurd amounts of drugs to counteract what he'd taken...whatever the hell it was. They put him into a regular room roughly four hours after we got there. They said that everything was stabilised and that he would be okay, but there were doubts that just overwhelmed me. I wondered if he would blame me for what happened...
When I woke up in that crazy hospital room with Trent by my side, I wondered what the hell had happened. Then, I remembered that little extra bit I'd taken while I was in the car...right before Trent had come out to me. I tried to talk, but my mouth and throat were too dry. All that came out was a rasp of air. It was enough to catch Trent's attention, though. He looked up, his eyes red and puffy. I wondered if I caused that. It could have been from crying, or lack of sleep. Only he knew.
'Twiggy,' he whispered, biting his lip once the word was out.
I swallowed hard, trying to wet my mouth and managed, 'Water?'
Trent jumped up, pouring out water and holding up the back of my head so I could drink it properly. I smiled weakly, silently thanking him. Then I knew it was time to apologise, time to try gluing our broken relationship back together, 'Trent...I'm so sorry.'
He raised his head again, looking at me, his eyes full of tears, 'Twiggy...please...d-don't apologise to me. If anything I should be on my knees begging you to forgive me. I didn't have the right to hurt you like that.'
I didn't know how else to apologise. I'd hurt him irreparably and I didn't know if I could ever apologise enough.
'Trent, please stop. I just want to know why...what did I do?'
'Twiggy, it's just...you called me exactly once while you were on tour. I...I know what it's like. Girls everywhere, as much of everything you could want. I...I guess I just thought that you loved me enough to...I dunno...not get caught up in all that.' I bit my lip and realised that I hadn't given him the chance to explain himself at all.
'Trent, I'm sorry. I really am. You don't know how much I missed you, but after that whole thing you had with Manson, he told me if...if I called you he'd let me go. I need this job, Trent. I...I've worked for this my entire fucking life. I couldn't just throw it away. You know what it's like on the fucking busses. You can't fucking piss without someone knowing about it. I took the first chance I got, Trent.'
'Yeah, and you were fucking drunk. How am I supposed to know you care if the only time I get a call from you is when you're drunk at fucking six thirty in the morning?'
Twiggy trembled, whispering, 'You don't know what he's like Trent. It's like he fucking owns you. I need this. I can't join another goddamned band, and the only alternative right now is taking what I've got and running with it. I have to just run with it as fast and as long as I can.'
I looked at the floor, biting my lip, 'Then maybe while you're running with this...maybe I just can't be around you. I can't stay here knowing that you're off fucking other people and not caring what I think. Maybe if you need this so bad...then maybe you don't really need me.'
'Trent, what are you saying? Can't you just be happy for me? Can't you, of all people, can't you understand how hard I've worked to get to this point in my life? I sacrificed so much to get here. I...I don't want to lose you, Trent, but if you're not willing to let me do what I have to do...then maybe...maybe I don't need you after all.' Twiggy broke down then, whispering, 'Trent, I love you with everything I have, but I can't let this go. I can't stop touring with this band, and I can't give up on what I've wanted for so long. It's only just starting, Trent. I...I love you, but...I...I love my dreams more.'
God, if I only knew how fucking wrong I was when I said that. I didn't need Manson's silly fucking ideals and I didn't need his goddamned band. It's what he does to you. He takes your dreams and makes them seem like they could come true if you just put all your time and faith into him. Sure, he was my friend but somehow he mutated into my manager and then he slowly just started taking over every moment of my life. He even fucking dictated my fucking love life. I don't have any idea how I let him rule over me so completely. I really, truly loved Trent and I threw away one of the best times in my life because Manson told me that if I wanted to stay in his band that I couldn't talk to Trent anymore. How could I have ever believed that Manson would take my dreams and make them come true? I really wish that I hadn't listened to Manson.
Twiggy flat out told me that he didn't need me anymore. He told me that he wanted to keep following his dreams and that he didn't want me interfering with that. But there was that nagging feeling, deep in my gut. I couldn't just let him go, 'Twiggy...I don't want to hold you back from your dreams. I want you to be as famous as you want to be, but I need to know that it's really what you want. That you're not just chasing after dreams that you haven't really thought about. Do you have any fucking idea what it's like to be a musician that never gets to write his own music? How are you going to deal with being just a credit? Nobody fucking knows who you are. They don't know how much work you put into the damn music. How long will you let him rule over you, Twiggy? Just how fucking long will you let it go on?'
'I...I need to at least know I didn't give up, Trent. I need to follow it as long as I can...as long as it takes me to know that I haven't given up. Are you going to let me do that, Trent? Will you support me, or will I be better off without you?'
'I...I need time to think. I can't fucking believe this shit.' I got up and slammed out of the room. I shouldn't have been that harsh with him, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't break myself from being jealous, not only of Manson's control over Twiggy but of Twiggy's determination to be somebody. I never set out to be a failure, yet it seemed that was all I was good at. I failed to make people understand me, I failed to make myself someone...I failed to keep loving the one person that I thought did understand me. I failed all of that. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I needed a goddamned drink.
I found out later that Trent went home and drank himself silly, but what could I do? I was stuck in the fucking hospital and I thought I knew what I wanted. How could I give up when I thought I knew how much I could take? Over the next year, I spoke to Trent maybe twice. Very casual, 'Hey, how are you? Ohh, I'm fine' conversations. Nobody would ever have known everything that had happened to us in the past.
There was one time in the next few years that Twiggy and I ever had more than a formal conversation. He called me, and I knew right away that he was messed up. He was crying and he asked if he could come over. I couldn't say no...I really wanted to see him. I'd been thinking about the good times, and I'd been hoping they would come back...and then he called. He came over and he looked so much worse than he sounded. His hair was dirty and matted, he was bleeding on himself from his nose, his eyes were big and red, and his skin was so pale -- even with the dirt. I took him right into the bathroom and got his nose to stop bleeding. Then I washed his face, 'Twiggy...fuck...what the hell happened to you?'
'Iunno. Fucked up. I wanna give up now, Trent. I wanna fucking give up. I can't take it anymore.'
I bit my lip. How could I tell him anything positive when all these years, all I'd ever wanted was for him to feel like he'd run far enough with his dream? For him to realise it wasn't what he thought it would be when he stayed in Manson's band. I only wanted him to have what he deserved, and that was so much better than what he was getting. Manson's shows had degenerated from performances to displays of...I guess he thought it was rebellion, or a statement, but I only saw it as stupidity. He was making the rest of the band miserable, and I guess Twiggy had finally had enough.
'Trent, I can't do another album. I'm going to finish this tour and then I'm out. I can't do it anymore.' Twiggy put his face in his hands, his hair hanging down limply, creating a curtain.
I put my hand on his back and whispered softly, 'It's okay...' Then I had an idea, 'You know...I understand if you want some time off after the tour...but if you want to keep playing, I think I know someone looking for a bassist.'
Twiggy looked up, 'Really?'
I nodded, 'Yeah, but don't worry about it for now...we'll figure it out when the time comes...let's get you cleaned up, alright?'
Twiggy sort of whimpered, nodding, 'D-do...you think...can you not call me Twiggy? I just want to be me.'
'Yeah, sure..no problem, Jeordie.' I pulled him close then, hugging him gently.
He hugged back, sniffling and trembling slightly, whispering, 'Thank you, Trent.'
We stayed that way for a little while, just holding each other then I pulled away gently, 'Come on, you want a bath or something?'
'Y-yeah...I feel disgusting...but I...I don't want to be alone.'
'I'll stay here...' I said, hesitantly. I didn't want to do something and then have it seem like I was taking advantage of him. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself...then Twiggy took his shirt off.
God, I remember that night I went to see Trent like it was yesterday. I was fucked up on some drug or another, and Manson and I had finally had it out. We were just talking and I'd said something, I can't even remember what, and he'd backhanded me so hard he caught my nose with one of his rings, and it bleed like a motherfucker. That was all I could take. I got off the bus and called Trent's cell phone. I don't know what made me do it, but I am so grateful that I did. When I got there, he let me cry on his shoulder for a while, then asked if I wanted a bath. God, did I ever. Then, when I took my shirt off, he saw. He saw everything I'd been through in the years that had passed by.
'Jeordie, holy fuck...what the fuck happened to you?' Trent growled.
I almost didn't realise he wanted an answer, 'Uh, just stuff.' How could I tell him that Manson humiliated me every night and that I'd let him? How could I ever tell Trent any of that?
'Jeordie, fucking tell me the truth. I don't want some lame excuse for a lie, I want to know what happened.'
I looked down at my chest and stomach, then I pulled my pants off too. If Trent wanted the story, he'd get the whole goddamned thing.
When Twiggy pulled his pants off, I wanted to kill Manson. I was so sure he was the one that had mutilated this poor man's body. He was bruised all over, and his thighs and stomach had slashes all over them. Some of the cuts were new, most of them were dried, but still dirty. He was so thin you could make out every rib and his stomach was hollowed out, like a malnourished infant's. He looked like the perfect poster boy for abuse all across the board. Emotional, physical...and god knows Manson is depraved enough for it to be mostly sexual. I couldn't help myself. I turned the water on and looked at Twiggy, 'I want an answer. What the fuck happened to you? What happened to the happy little kid in a dress? What happened after...after everything we went through?'
Twiggy whispered softly, 'I followed my dream, Trent. I just fucking followed my dream.'
'Was this part of your fucking dream? You wanted to look like a fucking rag-doll? You wanted to have the shit beat out of you while you let some guy fuck you so hard it hurts? You wanted to work your goddamn ass off so that people only knew you by a fake name? So people wouldn't fucking know you as anything but part of Marilyn Manson? As part of that band that can't play shows anywhere because they're "preaching hate"? What the fuck kind of dream is that, Jeordie? What kind of dream would let you end up half-dead inside, and broken down? You deserve better than that, Jeordie,' I knew I was going too far, but I thought maybe he needed it.
'No. I don't want it anymore. I just want to finish the goddamn tour, say good-bye to Pogo, Ginger and John...and that's it. I can't do it anymore.'
'Stay here tonight. Don't go back to the bus until tomorrow, and you're fucking calling me every single night. I don't care if you have to pretend I'm your mother...I want to hear from you.' I talked hastily, I didn't want him to catch cold by standing naked in the cool air. I turned the tap off and the bath stood ready for him, 'There...go ahead, and get in.' Twiggy looked at the water and stepped in.
The water was so calming that night. It was hot without scalding and there had to have been some kind of scent in it. Trent sat on the toilet seat and watched me. Then I realised there was one thing missing.
'Trent...will you come in?' I knew I was taking a big risk, but I needed to know that nobody would hurt me that night.
"You're sure?' Trent looked apprehensive.
'I'm positive...I...I just need someone that cares. I need someone to hold me.' I whispered, watching Trent wearily.
"O-okay.' Trent stood, watching me. Then he started undressing slowly and I remembered all those nights so many years ago.
'I'm really sorry, Trent. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I...I wish I'd listened to you. I don't think I can say anything to fix everything, but I wish I could..I wish I could be part of us again. I miss you so much. I miss everything. I just want to...to stop everything and turn back time.' I knew that no matter what I said now, all the hurt from then wouldn't ever be erased, but maybe it could be alleviated.
I listened to Twiggy's speech, watching his fingers clasp and unclasp nervously the whole time he was talking.
'I forgive you, Jeordie. I...could have done things differently too. I should have listened to your dreams, rather than listening to that stupid jealousy that took over me.' I stepped into the tub, and sat behind Jeordie, resting my chin on his shoulder and hugging him gently, not wanting to disturb the bruises. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, breathing slowly but deeply. I don't know how long we stayed like that, the only thing I know is the water was cool before either of us said anything more. I reached over to the facecloth he'd taken into the tub with him, and ran it gently over his shoulders and down his back, rinsing his skin. He shivered, but let me continue with soap and shampooing his hair. It felt like I finally had the chance to care about someone besides myself, and I was going to care for him for as long as I possibly could. When I'd finished washing him he whispered a soft "Thank you," and stood. I stood as well, wrapping him in a big bath towel, holding him close.
'Come on, let's go to bed, Jeordie.'
Trent took me to bed after washing me and pampering me. We slept naked, but nothing happened. No last minute shags...not even a kiss. Trent just held me close and whispered softly until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, he was watching me. Nothing creepy, it was like he'd only just woken up and had to be reminded who he was sharing a bed with. I found my voice once more, 'Thank you for everything. I..I feel like I have some hope again. I...I have to..to go...we have...sound-check in an hour...but...can..can I c-come...back t-tonight?'
Trent smiled then, a real genuine smile, 'Sure. Come back whenever you want. I'll be here. I might be in the studio though...do you...want a key to let yourself in?'
'N-no...c-can I just...call when I'm on the way?'
'Yeah. That's fine, Jeordie.'
And then I left. I went to sound-check and Manson knew. I don't know how, but he did. He glared and screamed at me as much as he could. I played the way I'd always played, and yet everything was wrong. Everything had to be done six or seven times, just so. Finally, he couldn't keep us any longer. We had two hours until the show started, then another hour and a half until we went on. I hurried away, trying to stay as far away from Manson as I could manage. I called Trent's phone, praying he would remember that he said he'd keep it with him. He didn't answer until the third ring, making me nervous.
'Hey, what's up?'
'It's Jeordie...can I come back n-' and before I could say anything else there was a hand on my shoulder and as I turned, Manson hit the back of my head. It wouldn't have upset me, normally, but now I just wanted to be treated right. I wanted to be left alone.
'So, little bitch goes running back to Trent. Don't you know that he's using you? He doesn't fucking care, he just wants sex. Poor bastard can't get it from anyone else, I guess. Has to settle for you. Too damn bad, isn't it?'
I walked away, going as fast as I could, 'Just leave me the fuck alone. I'm finishing the tour, and that's it, I'm done. I don't fucking want to be near you. I don't want to even look at you. I thought you used to be a decent person but now I can't fucking stand you. I can't fucking be near you. Just leave me the hell alone, or I won't even finish the tour.'
Manson laughed, a cold mirthless sound, 'You think I need you? Where the fuck did the self-esteem come from? I thought I'd managed to destroy all that. Well, you can have your fucking end of the tour shit. I already have someone to replace you.'
It didn't surprise me. It didn't do much more than relieve me. He was going to finally let me live my own life, then his cold calculating voice came through my thoughts, 'Just remember, I fucking created Twiggy Ramirez, and I can destroy him too.'
Finally, I could stand up to him, I could make him see, "You can do whatever the fuck you want with Twiggy, just remember - Twiggy is only a fucking puppet, and he's being burned as soon as this goddamn tour is over. I don't need you, and I don't need your fucking name either. Just watch, I will make it on my own. I'll be everything I've always wanted to be, and it won't be as your goddamned sidekick. I don't fucking need you!' I screamed that last part, my anger from the past six years building and finally boiling over. I turned and ran then, as fast as I could for as long as I could. I didn't need to get torn apart right before a show. I made it to Trent's house in record time and he was already at the door, in his jacket and everything, 'Oh...are you going out?'
'N-no...I was going to look for you. I heard everything you said..and everything he said too. I didn't know what happened after you stopped screaming though...so I...got worried,' Trent finished, looking almost sheepish.
'Oh...well...I'm okay. I can't say what will happen at the show, or on the bus...but for now, I'm fine. I feel really good too.'
Trent pulled me into the house, and for just a second I had flashbacks to the last time I'd shown up at his house and he'd pulled me inside like that. Then, that all changed. He kissed me softly, his hands on the sides of my face, his eyes shut. I leaned into the kiss, so happy it was soft and sweet...just like all those years before.
Jeordie kissed back, but I didn't want him yet. I didn't want to get my hopes up that he was serious. I didn't want that to go any further until the tour was over. I'd gone six fucking years, what was another three months? I pulled back, catching my breath, "Jeordie...no. N-not yet."
His face fell, and he whispered, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean..."
"I just want to wait until I know it's real. That I know you're really done with him. Wait until the tour is over. You're welcome back whenever you need it. I...I just can't give myself hope until I'm sure you're coming back."
"I understand. I...I just wish I knew what's going to happen, Trent. I love you. I really, really do."
I nodded, watching Jeordie. I couldn't tell him I felt the same, yet. I'd said it once before and it had been thrown back at me. It had been disregarded. My feelings would probably stay as guarded as ever, no matter how much time when by. I waited a few moments, then Jeordie and I went to the living room and just talked. We shared stories about touring and awards shows, just like we had never had anything special before. In a way, we hadn't. This wasn't Twiggy in front of me anymore, it was someone different. I wasn't talking to another one of Manson's puppets, I was talking to someone that wasn't going to let Manson rule his life anymore.
I just wanted Trent to love me enough to want me again. Instead, he told me that he didn't want anything until he was sure I would leave Manson's control. At that point, I knew only that I couldn't take anymore of Manson's abuse. Then...it came time for the show. I was so nervous about what could happen that I threw up at least three times before I left Trent's house. He held my hair back for me and rubbed my back. He...as much as I was afraid to admit it, I had someone that loved me. Sex definitely wasn't love, but...it seemed like every time I was most in love with Trent was when we were in bed together, until then. I think after so many years spent apart that any moment of tenderness then, was almost sacred. I finally felt almost ready to perform normally, so I got ready at Trent's house. I didn't even want to be in the dressing room with Manson at that point. Trent helped me out with my makeup, and...he even kissed me good-bye, something he had NEVER done before. The feeling of Trent's lips on mine, kept me going. Right until Manson grabbed the back of my head on stage and pushed it, as fast and as hard as he could. I felt the warm wetness on my face even before I tasted it. Disgusted, and even more humiliated, I just couldn't play right for the rest of the show. I couldn't get the taste of urine out of my mouth. I just wanted to go to Trent and cry. I wanted to finish the tour...not just for myself, to prove that I wasn't just another quitter...but for Pogo, Ginger, and Johnny as well. We'd all been humiliated or hurt by Manson at some point, so...it wasn't like I was alone in that area...but I was the only one he'd raped on a regular basis. I guess I was just easy prey. The hardest part to understand is why. I never saw him attracted to other guys or even talking to very many. I don't understand what it was...maybe he saw someone weaker than himself in me. Whatever it was, I was determined that I'd never let him see it again. After the show was over, I did the standard, walk back to the bus with the band signing autographs and taking pictures. I think I did a pretty good job of making everyone believe I was happy, or something like that. At least, nobody said anything to me. When we got back on the bus, I turned right back around and got off as fast as I could. Manson let me go and I know that John tried his best to stay out of Manson's way. That was usually how it went. If Manson couldn't get his hands on me, he went after Johnny, and if he was missing too...Ginger got it the worst. By the time Manson got to him he would usually be so angry that Ginger needed some kind of drug to even function the next morning. I felt bad I'd given them that fate, but they were grown men. If they didn't want it, they could leave just like I had. I'd just have to remember to keep some mouthwash on the side of the stage tomorrow night because God only knew how ridiculous Manson's petty revenge would get. What I couldn't understand was why he had to have the revenge if he already had another person lined up to take my place. Maybe it was just the idea that somebody that he was used to having such control over was breaking the grip he had. Anyway, that night I went to Trent's house and I guess he could tell something had gone wrong at the show.
"Twig-Jeordie...what happened at the show?" I'd asked almost the moment he walked in, noticing his eyes were glazed, "Did you..."
"No, I'm not on any drugs, I swear. I...I just can't get the taste out of my mouth."
"Taste of what? Do you want something to drink?"
"Whiskey. I need it, please. It seems like it'll be the only thing strong enough."
"Jeordie...no. That part of your life is over. It has to be." My hands were shaking and I felt like such a damned hypocrite. Only five minutes before I'd taken a hit of cocaine and I'd had something to drink...I can't even remember what now.
"Trent, please. I need it so bad..." Jeordie pleaded, his voice trembling madly.
"I..." I looked up at him and lost my train of thought. He was so beautiful, and he was...crying. How could something like a drink have such- and then I realised what we were doing to ourselves, how completely we were destroying ourselves. He was being controlled by the same damn force I was. Our senses were dead and our feelings could only be controlled by drinking, or drugs. It needed to stop, "Jeordie...we need to get help."
Trent absolutely bewildered me, "The fuck do you mean?"
"Just what I said. We're being eaten alive by these goddamned drugs. We don't even feel anything anymore."
"I feel things just fine, Trent. I don't WANT to fucking feel anything, Trent! Why the hell else would I be killing myself so slowly with them? I don't want to feel all this confusing shit, I just...I want to be...numb."
"I...I thought the reason you were leaving Manson was so you could be alive...so you could..." Trent shook his head and closed his eyes, "You know what? Fucking forget it." Trent opened his eyes then, and they were flashing with anger. He turned and walked away from me. I didn't know what I had done wrong now.
"Trent! Please...wait! Talk to me!" He just kept walking.
How could I have believed that he would leave one of the biggest bands of the decade just for me? I needed a fucking hit. I needed that high. I needed to get away from all of this. I just wanted to completely destroy myself. Who the hell was I kidding, I could never do this sober. That's all I remember thinking. Then, I got some cocaine and took as much as I could handle, while I drowned myself in alcohol. I went to find Jeordie and when I stood...I must have blacked out, because the next thing I can remember, I was in a hospital room.
God, seeing Trent so...helpless was horrible. I couldn't even stay to make sure he woke up. We had to be in Columbus the next night, so...I kissed Trent's forehead softly, vowing that I wasn't taking any drugs ever again...and the drinking would have to stop too. I knew this was going to be one of the hardest parts of my life.
Twiggy Ramirez departs from Marilyn Manson. That was one of the best headlines I would ever read in my life. Jeordie finished the tour without ever calling me once. At that point I realised that if I didn't clean my life up, I was going to kill myself. I checked myself into an intensive rehabilitation centre, and waited for the worst part of my life to be over. The absolute hardest part of it all was the first week. Detoxing my system, that bodily craving for both alcohol and cocaine was the worst physical pain I've ever been in, in my entire life. the only thing that kept me strong was knowing that there were people depending on me...Jeordie...I needed him. I never really understood that so much of what I put myself through...it was really all for him. Maybe he didn't realise it, and I know that he had to be going through his own personal hell...the media circus and the hateful, spiteful fans. His urge to hurt himself was probably so much higher than mine, but I couldn't see him...not yet.
After I left Manson, I couldn't bring myself to face Trent. I hadn't kept true to my promise to myself, and until I could...i wouldn't put him through the danger of seeing me. I was a wreck, internally, and I looked terrible too. I called one person that I knew would be able to tell me how Trent was, and maybe he could help me, too. "Hey, Jerome? Man, I need some help..think you could come hang with me for a bit?"
Jerome got to the nasty hole I was calling home and the first thing he said was, "Jesus...Twiggy...the fuck did you do to your hair?"
"Cut it. And um, please don't call me Twiggy, it's not my fucking name."
"Uh, yeah...sure thing um..." he stopped. I guess even he didn't know my real name.
"It's Jeordie."
"Right, uh, so...what did you need?"
"I just....fuck...I need to know how Trent is. I know...he's in some hospital or something, but I can't let him fucking see my like this. Not again."
"Come on Jeordie, it's not that- "
"Fuck! Don't you get it? I broke my goddamn promise and I can't see him until I set myself straight again."
"S-Sorry. Well, he's alright. He's been writing a lot of new stuff. Maybe...you know, Danny's been doing his own thing with a lot of soundtracks and stuff, maybe..."
"No. Not yet. I'm gonna do a couple of shows with Mondo Generator, then that's it for a while."
"Well, keep in touch man, I have to get going..." And Jerome left. So, I knew Trent was alright, but what was I going to do? Turns out, I wasn't doing anything. I did those couple shows, then I auditioned for one of the biggest chances in my life. Of course, Metallica wouldn't want some drug addicted mess in their band, so I didn't get that part either. Then my buddy Josh Homme called me up, and I went to record some of the weirdest music of my life. We were high 24/7 and I was destroying myself even more. After that was over, I was lost. I called Jerome again after almost a year. He couldn't see me, but he told me that Danny told him that A Perfect Circle was looking for a bass player for their upcoming tour. This would be the perfect chance to get clean.
I don't know how it happened, but I finally found myself stronger and...maybe even happy. I wasn't depending on some stupid substance. I would live out my life the way a person should. No more drinking, no more drugs. There wouldn't be any more unremembered nights, no more drunken hissy fits. I was stronger and happier, but something was missing still. I knew that Jeordie had somehow wormed his way so deeply into my life that no matter how hard I tried, he wasn't going to get cut out of it. I wanted to see him so badly, but my damn pride got in the way once more.
I called Maynard up and talked really seriously about joining the band and trying to clean myself up. I knew he wouldn't tolerate any stupid shit on the road, so...I had to be as serious as I could be. He told me to come audition, and I did. The hardest part was trying to get over my nervousness while trying not to drink or take anything to calm me down. I remember walking into the room and seeing Billy and Maynard with their heads together, whispering over something. I'd chosen Judith to play and, in a way it seemed like I could relate to that song. I played the very best I could. We went out for dinner, you know and I think for the first time in almost ten years I had a night of honest unaffected fun.
I'd heard from Jerome that Jeordie had gotten the part with Maynard, and then I wondered why I hadn't heard it from Maynard himself. We'd been working on Tapeworm for a little while and I saw him on a pretty frequent basis. That didn't matter, I guess getting hung up on silly things wasn't part of my plan. I just wanted to live normally and...maybe even happily.
Touring with A Perfect Circle was so much fun. They had this opening band, The Icarus Line...and they were alright, but their guitarist Aaron...he really stood out. I think that Aaron was the one that approached me first. One night he asked if I had actually auditioned for Metallica or if Josh had been lying to him. he was really a genuine person and he knew how to have fun without getting messed up. One night we even got to play "Master of Puppets" on stage together. I think it was that same night that he said he was gay. There wasn't anyone else in the room with us, and I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. But, I had. I think that having someone that I could talk to without having to worry about what they would think of my relationship with Trent was what helped me heal faster. I told Aaron everything, and in return he told me things too. We had a lot of trust in each other, and one night...our trust got stronger. I'd been lonely and Aaron...well Aaron was just being Aaron, and...he was the first person I slept with after leaving Manson. The best part was that nothing made us awkward, we weren't in it for the feelings, it was just a slow, leisurely fuck between friends. We kept up our buddy fucks until the tour ended...and then I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd been clean for the entire tour and I felt the best that I had in a long time.
I'd heard from Maynard that Jeordie was clean, but that he'd taken this kid from the opening band under his wing...and into his bed, regularly. I didn't understand why I couldn't just let go of the jealous feeling, even when Maynard told me that it was just a fling. I think that out of everyone I spoke with only four people knew about the feelings I had for Jeordie. Myself, Jeordie, Maynard and Jerome. I guess that was something I'd forgotten to mention, Jerome...he was probably the closest thing I had to a real friend while I was destroying myself and he stuck with me through rehab, and...I guess some things had happened between us. I couldn't blame Jeordie for needing to be close to someone, but...why couldn't he just call me already?
I waited probably two more months after the tour was over, and I finally built up the courage to call Trent. The phone rang a couple times and I realised I'd probably woken him up.
"H'lo?" his thick, sleepy voice came through the line, making my heart jump into my throat.
"H-hi...T-Trent...i-it's...J-Jeordie." I held my breath, sure he was going to hang up.
"Hi." That was his response, almost...bored.
"I woke you up, I'm sorry...I'll...I'll let you go back to sleep." I choked out, tears coming to my eyes, making me feel even more foolish than I had felt two seconds earlier.
"Dude, I'm already up. What do you need?" he asked, obviously thinking that I was in some kind of trouble, once again.
"You. I need you, Trent." I whispered, not sure he'd hear me, almost wishing he wouldn't.
"Jeordie...I...why now? Why couldn't you call me before all this? You..." he sighed, "Listen, I can't do this. I need to know you're serious. I'm not going to put myself through hell again if you're just going to throw this away."
"God, Trent. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I couldn't call before this because...I didn't want you to see how messed up I was. I wanted to get better before I talked to you again. I was...I was afraid I would fuck up after I talked to you and make you believe in me, even less."
"It isn't about that anymore. We're both clean now...and we're both adults. If...if we want a healthy relationship, we're going to have to act like adults and...look past everything we've done to hurt each other...intentionally, and otherwise."
"I can do that Trent. I have to because...because I love you."
"A-ah...I...I can't. Not right now...but I care about you...s-so much. C-come now...come here now, please?"
"I'll be there as soon as I can." I hung up my phone and looked in the mirror. I didn't particularly like what I saw, but it wasn't like before...not like when I looked in the mirror as Twiggy and hated every single thing about myself. I'd hated everything I saw because it was just so...weak. What I saw now wasn't much stronger, but it was healthier and happier. I had Aaron's number, and he had mine...as a support. If Trent accepted me, Aaron wouldn't be more than a friend, ever again. I shook my head to clear my mind and headed to Trent's new place. My nerves were skyrocketing as I rang the doorbell.
The doorbell rang and I almost jumped out of my skin. Of course I'd been expecting him, but...when I opened the door, the image I'd had in my mind melted and I saw someone that I didn't know. We'd spend so much time avoiding each other it seemed like...I didn't know anything about him anymore. I stood staring at him for a few minutes, then finally I asked him to come in. He looked as nervous as I felt and somehow I couldn't bring myself to comfort him...and I almost didn't want him there. I didn't know what to say to him, and I couldn't expect him to be able to talk to me. Why couldn't I just let my goddamned pride go? I wanted to apologise. I wanted to let him know that I wanted to get to know him again. There was so much that I wanted him to know and I couldn't set my pride aside for two seconds.
When I couldn't stare at him any longer I spoke, "Trent..."
"Jeordie, I don't know what to say. You look so different. You look good." Trent almost whispered, like he was afraid to speak.
"How's Jerome been? I haven't seen him a while." I knew I was completely disregarding what he'd just said, but I didn't want him to feel like the only reason I'd called him was to get reassured that I was doing alright. I knew that no matter how I looked...that wasn't what a relationship was based on. I was frustrated and confused. I didn't know what to say to the man in front of me and I didn't know who he was anymore.
"Jerome's um...fine. H-how did your tour go? I heard you made a new friend." Trent spat, almost challenging me.
"I...Aaron...he." I didn't know what to say. I didn't have any idea that Trent knew, and I couldn't deny it, "Yeah so, Aaron and I had a fling. He knows it doesn't mean anything, Trent. Please...you can't be angry with me for something like that. Hell, I know you've been with Jerome while I'm not around."
Trent looked like I had just backhanded him, "How did you know? He didn't tell you...did he?"
"No, Trent. I...I just knew. I...okay, so...I slept with Aaron, but Trent, it didn't mean anything to me. He was just someone to hold when I couldn't take being alone any more. A-and...he's the one that told me...he told me to call you." I looked down, biting my lip, feeling ashamed that i couldn't look Trent in the eye when I told him about Aaron.
"Well, I guess he's good for that, then. Jeordie, you know how much I care about you, and you know what I'm all about, so why couldn't you have called me sooner?"
I watched him, with his shaggy hair hanging over his face, looking tormented. When he spoke, it was almost a whisper, "Trent, I'm sorry. I needed time to fine out who the fuck I was. I'm not Twiggy anymore, so who the hell is Jeordie? I needed time to figure out who I was and...what I could do. I needed to decide how I wanted to live...if...if I really even wanted to make music anymore. If...I wanted to even....l-live anymore. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, and I don't even know half the things I've done. I'm a shell because the puppet that I used to be is Manson's creation and I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen ever again."
I couldn't help myself anymore. I knew I was being a bastard and I knew how badly he was hurting. I grabbed his hands and pulled him close, breathing in his scent, the mixture of some cologne and his own smell. I hugged him tightly, nuzzling his neck and rubbing his back, whispering against his skin, "I've tried blaming you for everything. I got angry when you didn't call me...but Jeordie, I never did anything to keep this going either. I never called you, I never...tracked you down. I have no right to be angry with you...and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jeordie. I let my goddamned pride get in the way. I...if you accept my apology, I swear to you that I'll never let my damned pride get in the way again. I swear to you Jeordie." Once I started, I couldn't stop and I hid my face in the crook of his neck, afraid he would push me away forever. But, he didn't.
I pulled away from Trent, so I could get a better look at his eyes. Words can be flat or they can be emotional but if your eyes are lying, I can tell. I watched his eyes as he talked, glittering with shame and sadness. He was genuine, and I wanted to have him so badly. "Trent...yes. I accept your apology if you'll accept mine."
"Yes, Jeordie, I will..." and Trent pulled me close, kissing me for the first time in so long. I felt safe in his arms. I started to cry then, tears of happiness. Before then, I'd almost never felt as loved, or as comfortable with who I was and how I was. I'd always been ashamed at needing the touch of another man...but...Aaron had accepted me, and now...Trent was telling me that he wanted me in a relationship. I was happy, truly happy.
"Jeordie?" I'd decided to take all my courage and use it.
"Y-yeah, Trent?"
"I think...I want you...but...I...I want to finally be...submissive to you. I want you to take control." I blurted. When I looked back at Jeordie, he bit his lip.
"Trent...I...I will, but only if you swear to me that if you're uncomfortable in any way, you'll make me stop. I don't want to do anything to ruin this last chance at happiness."
"I swear to you, Jeordie. I know it's going to hurt...it...it'll be my first time l-like that, but I won't let you do anything that I don't want you to." I smiled then, kissing him very softly, "Please?"
I kissed Trent then, deeply, letting my tongue explore his mouth, reacquainting myself with his taste. It was different now. There had always been a slight, lingering taste of alcohol, whether it was what I had drank or what he drank, I never really knew, but...now it was...Trent. This was a pure kiss. I had never had one of these before. I ran my hands over his back, feeling the new curve of muscle where there had never been. I felt his hands coming up to run through my hair, pulling me closer, engulfing me in his own kiss. I finally pulled back for a little air, and studied him, running my hands over the new landscape of his body, well-muscled and full. The only thing that reminded me of the man I'd loved for so long was the small smirk in place of a smile, crinkling the corners of his eyes. I loved that expression more than any other look I'd ever received from him. "Trent? Can we maybe..take this part to the bedroom?"
He nodded, taking my hand.
"Jeordie...I want you to be in my band," I said, opening the door to my bedroom.
"O-okay...when...f-for what?"
"I'm almost done with this album I've been working on. Once it's done, I need a band to tour with...I'd like you and Jerome to help me out."
"Y-yeah. I'll do it. Th-thank you."
"Don't thank me...I'm just selfish and want you to be near me all the time." I mumbled, sitting on the bed.
I couldn't help laughing when Trent said he was being selfish. That's all I'd wanted all these years and I was finally getting it. I didn't know what else I could say so I blurted the first thing that came to my mind, and to tell you the truth, I don't even remember what I said. All I remember is Trent's smile and the way he leaned forward, pulling me into a soft, passionate kiss. His fingers were running through my hair, running down over my neck and shoulders. He pulled me down into his lap, his kiss completely selfless, slow and gentle.
"Mmm..." I pulled back a little, looking at his face, his eyes. He looked calmer that I'd ever seen him, while he was awake at least. I kissed his cheek delicately, pushing at his shoulders gently, trying to get him to lay back. He laid down, looking up at me with the eyes of complete trust.
I'd never wanted to take control of anyone's body so badly as I did right then. I pushed at the hem of his shirt, watching as his flat, almost muscular stomach was revealed. I leaned down, kissing at the exposed skin, following the ascent of his shirt. I paused, first at his left nipple, then at his right, nibbling lightly, then sucking at the flesh gently. The result was fabulous, a small gasp issuing from Trent's lips, his back arching slightly. I grinned, pulling the shirt off all the way and kissing him softly. He closed his eyes and kissed back fervently, his hands coming up to grasp my hips. As we kissed I reached down and slowly unzipped his trousers, reaching inside and fondling gently. Trent gasped again, squirming into my touch.
God, having Jeordie's hands on my body again after so many years was pure bliss. They'd grown callouses on them where he'd handled his bass for so long, but they were so soft at the same time. He unbuttoned my trousers and slid them down over my hips. He tugged at the boxers I was wearing, releasing my pent up excitement. I blushed, remembering how I'd been so frightened that first time, remembering how Jeordie had told me he wasn't a top. I'll admit it, I was scared out of my mind. I was prepared for pain, but I didn't know how much I could actually handle. Jeordie kissed me then, my mind going blank. As his hands travelled over my body, I shivered, feeling his hands underneath me, on my ass. His hands moved slowly, feeling out the area, his mouth on my neck, his breath hot and moist. I shivered, gasping as Jeordie's fingers probed at my rear.
"Fuck...Trent...do you have any lube?" I panted into Trent's ear, fully ready to make love.
"Uhh...y-yeah. It's in...m-my bathroom."
I nodded, getting up and walking to his bathroom, prodding through his drawers and finally finding it. When I came back, Trent was propped up on his elbows, watching my advance. He grinned at me, eyeing me almost hungrily, "Damn Jeordie, you look good like that."
I blushed. I knew my hair was a disaster and I was sweaty and wore a constant look of tiredness, but Trent made me feel good, "Thanks," I said as I climbed back onto the bed. Trent reached up, running his fingers through my hair and pulling me down to kiss him. I kissed him deeply as I squeezed a small amount of lube onto my fingers, making them slippery and warm. He has his eyes shut, his head tilted back and his mouth half open. He gasped as I slowly ran my fingers over his entrance, pressing a finger gently inside him.
As Jeordie slowly prepared my body, I shivered. There wasn't any pain, not in the usual sense...just a very strange...filled sensation. Then Jeordie took his hands away and I watched him stroke himself slowly, making his manhood slick. As I watched, his skin was flushed, and he was panting softly. I shivered and as I watched, his dick grow larger and harder, I started worrying about the pain. Jeordie opened his eyes, and whispered softly, "Trent...if you don't w-want this, tell me...I don't...w-want to hurt you..."
I closed my eyes and had an image of Jeordie, holding himself up, moving over me, his hair swinging, as he thrust into me...and I wanted that to be a reality more than anything I had wanted in a long time, "Jeordie, I want to feel you inside me..I want..." I lowered my voice to a whisper, "I want you to be the first...and the last person to have my body."
Jeordie's eyes got bigger and he shivered, "God, Trent...I..." he nodded, kissing me deeply as his manhood probed at my entrance. He slowly pushed into me and I winced. It hurt like hell, but it was something I was determined to go through with. I squirmed, gasping as a burning pain began accompanying the feeling of being completely stretched and filled. I hissed, tears springing to my eyes and I grabbed Jeordie's shoulders. Then I realised that he wasn't even halfway inside yet. I panted softly, whimpering.
Jeordie stopped pushing and whispered softly, "Do you want me to stop?"
I shook my head, "N-no...p-please...d-dont s-stop."
"O-okay..." and he began moving out, then he pushed in again, slowly stretching my body to accommodate him. Finally, he was entirely inside me. he didn't move for a moment, and he kissed my neck softly, whispering, "Are you okay?"
I nodded. It still hurt, but knowing that soon, it would be worth it, was enough to keep me from pushing him off me and cowering in fear. I felt completely impaled, but then I realised that at this single moment...Jeordie was a part of me, and I was a part of him. I'd never thought of sex in that way before and...it almost made me want to cry.
Jeordie whispered softly, "Is it okay to m-move?"
I nodded, kissing him, running my hands through his hair, squirming slightly. He pulled back gently, then thrust back in. I gasped, arching my back gently slightly, as the pain started receding and the pleasure took over. Jeordie settled into a slow, and steady rhythm and started nibbling at my neck. Suddenly there was a flare of the most intense pleasure in my life, and I realised Jeordie's manhood had just brushed across my prostate. I moaned as he kept going, my pleasure growing into absolute bliss. I groaned as he sped up and trembled madly, "Ah! Fuck!" I couldn't help it. I opened my eyes and watched Jeordie, my imagined fantasy now a reality. I couldn't hold back and longer and came, my ejaculate splattering Jeordie's stomach messily.
When Trent's warm come splashed against my stomach, I couldn't hold back any longer. I spasmed, groaning and panting softly. I felt my entire body go weak as I came, panting and sweating lightly.
When Jeordie came, I nearly died from the sensation of his dick pulsing inside me, and filling me with his ejaculate. I whined and pulled Jeordie closer, kissing him hard, feverishly. He pulled out of me gingerly and lay down beside me, his hair sticking to his forehead and his neck.
"Mmm. Did you like it, Trent?" I had to ask.
"God, yes. I fucking loved it." he answered. It sure looked like he'd enjoyed it, his come drying on both of our stomachs and thighs. I turned to him and touched his face gently, wanting him to look at me, and as he did, I whispered, "I love you Trent...I...I want to be with you f-forever. I...I know that I've been horrible to you, but I want to make everything work. These past years...they've been hell without you."
"Jeordie... I want...I want to fix it too. I'm sorry for all the things I've done too. I want you to join Nine Inch Nails, and...I want you to help me pick the rest of the band too."
I nodded, "Yes... I want to. I will."
Trent smiled then, a real genuine smile, something I hadn't seen in years.
We fell asleep then, holding each other close, feeling comforted. I remember waking up the next morning with Jeordie next to me and feeling complete and happy. I didn't need anything else in this world. I got up and hissed, my body sore. Jeordie woke up and looked at me, "It gets easier the more you do it, " he said sleepily.
"Yeah, I hope so..." I grinned and kisses his forehead, "Go back to sleep, I'll be right back."
"Mmmkay," he mumbled, already on his way.
I went to the bathroom, and took a good look at myself. i didn't look any different, but I definitely felt different. I felt like a real person, someone that could live happily, and I enjoyed that. After I showered, I called Jerome, "Hey man."
"Hey, what's up?"
I grinned, even though I knew he couldn't see me, "Jeordie and I...we're back together. I wanted to know if you could help me out with auditions for the new live band. Maybe you and Jeordie could do like, the preliminary round or something."
"Hey, that's awesome! That sounds like fun, Trent. I'm in."
"Great, I'll put the word out to people now...I...I wanted to thank you, too...f-for being here, man."
"No problem. What are friends for, hmm?"
"T-thanks anyway."
When I woke up for the second time, Trent was nowhere to be found. I got in the shower and washed up, then searched for breakfast. I was right in the middle of wondering how I'd gotten lucky enough to be happy, finally, when my cell phone rang. Aaron's number. I didn't know whether or not to answer it, but then curiosity got the best of me, "Hello?"
"Brah!! This is fuckin' batshit insane, man!"
I was bewildered, "What is?"
"DUDE!? You been livin' under a rock?" Aaron asked, like it was impossible that I didn't know what he was talking about.
"No, seriously, what?"
"Oh my gawd! You mean you really don't know what kinda shit's been going off?"
"I really have no idea, Aaron."
"Oh mah gawwd!! Trent's put out an ad for guitarists and keyboardists...he put your number on the ad, brah!"
"A-Already?!" I panicked. This was amazing, but where the hell was Trent at?
"Yeah, brah. I wanna try out, think I could make it? I mean...would he let me play with you guys if I made it past you and the other dude?"
"What other dude? Aaron, I'm so lost right now. Trent put an ad out, put my number on it, and it has another guy with me?"
"Yeah, guy's name is uh, Jerome....something, I can't remember. I was so stoked when I saw your number, I just had to call."
"Well, yeah, um...you should definitely try out. I...I have to go though."
"Sweet. Well...I'll see you at tryouts, brah."
"Okay, bye Aaron." I couldn't believe how fast everything was happening, and yet I welcomed it. It was roughly a month later when everything started to fall into place. We'd had so many people come through the doors to try out, and neither Jerome or I had seen anybody we'd liked enough to audition for Trent. Then, Aaron walked in. Jerome looked like he'd just struck gold, then he looked even happier when Aaron began to play. Aaron was definitely flaunting everything he had for us, and Jerome drank it all in. It was hard not to fall for Aaron. After he completely blew us away we had a man named Alessandro come in. He had a soft voice and gentle features, and Jerome and I both doubted his ability to play for a band like Nine Inch Nails, but when he was behind the keyboard, he took on an entirely different demeanour. He pounded the keys and knew how to transform and almost boring instrument into a show. This was it, Jerome and I knew that these two would be the ones.
Jerome and Jeordie were the best at picking out auditioners. They brought me ten in total, but there were two that they very obviously favoured. When Aaron came into the room, he was a mess, but he shredded that fucking guitar like...god knows what. The only problem I had with hiring him was the fact that he and Jeordie had had their little fling. What if Jeordie decided he wanted the younger man? So, I asked him about it one day.
"Jeordie?" We were lying in bed, just about ready to sleep.
"Yeah?"
"What do you think about Aaron?"
"Whaddya mean, Trent?"
"Well...would you ever sleep with him again?" I felt like such a fool for asking.
Jeordie laughed, "Well, only if you didn't exist...and if I was looking forward to getting my ass kicked by Jerome."
I sat up, shocked, "What!?"
"You didn't know? Jerome definitely went after that piece of ass."
"So...they're an item?" I was bewildered.
"Totally. They were made for each other."
"O-oh...so...I guess things happen for a reason, don't they?" I couldn't believe Jerome didn't tell me. That was the beginning of everything falling apart with him, I think.
I could only watch from the sidelines as Jerome and Trent started having issues. Aaron and Jerome were getting on fabulously and Alessandro found his comfort with us as well. The band sounded amazing and we were all geared up for the tour. And tour we did. Amazing things happened, and I couldn't have been happier. Then Jerome quit the band. We all saw it coming, we just hoped that he'd be okay until the tour was over. Being around Aaron was especially tough, because he missed Jerome so much. He just wanted to cuddle someone at any moment he could.
Trent and I had a lot of arguments over that. One night, Aaron even came knocking on the bunk door, talking about not being able to sleep without someone next to him. Trent had a fit. He even threatened firing Aaron. I felt bad, but what could I do? Eventually Aaron's wheedling ways broke Trent down, and he even got Alessandro to share his bed from time to time. I still wonder how he managed on the road with The Icarus Line. but, I'm rambling. After Jerome left, we got an Aussie named Alex. He lasted for barely a month. Josh came around then, and he's lasted throughout the entire tour. We're going into the studio soon, but we probably won't be doing much. If there is one thing that Trent does alone, it's making his music. We've all put our thoughts in here and there, but mostly it's just rehearsal for the European tour we're going on.
With so much happening professionally, Trent and I don't really have much time to ourselves, but this is the life we're both happiest with. We've built a strong foundation and we're content.
Trent gave me a ring for my thirty-fifth birthday, and I plan on getting him one soon. The public is a little hard to deal with, but we know we've got support. We're going strong, and with every hope we'll just keep getting stronger. So far, it looks like the future is ours.