My First MST

By: Twiggysrabies
Written: 02/26/07

Okay, so the original story is called "The Way Life Is'by Finch_Babe. This isn"t here to insult her in any way. In fact, I kind of have to wonder if this was a ploy to get someone to MST her. She"s got her own MSTs...which I must say are pretty good. Anyway, I didn"t ask permission, and you can find the original here: http://www.fandomination.net/index.cfm/mode/bio/AuthorID/16556/?mode=fanfic&FanficID=72838 I"ll be in {bold brackets.} Anyway, on to the story.

Sweet. So, there is no disclaimer at all...I can feel a lawsuit coming on!}

Yes I wish it didn"t end up like this. He can"t see me anymore,

{Oh my God! Did you cut his eyes out?!}

oh how I wish to be held in his arms. Those arms I love so much, so that he holds me keeping me safe from the world around us.

{I think he"s holding you to keep the world safe from you, not the other way around, doll.}

It was a day that I wish I turned back time on.

{Um, is it just me or is that sentence...really badly written?}

I screwed up so bad, god how I screwed up. I had the love of a man who was about to be my husband, and I screwed everything up.

{Oh, lovely...so you admit you"re a cheating whore. What a way to start a marriage.}

It was like normal me and him sitting there with all his friends, and like normal we couldn"t keep our hands off each for 2 seconds.

{Firstly, he and I. Secondly, are you that damned lazy that you can"t spell out the word two? And thirdly, I bet his friends are the type that watch the mini-porn show you"re putting on, and jack off to it at home.}

Us always telling each other we love each other more than anybody in the world.

{I admit that is a hard idea to try getting across, but for god"s sake couldn"t you try harder?}

But we didn"t know that pain was soon to come,

{Pain"s a quick little bugger, isn"t he?}

awful pain for both of us that we couldn"t stand.

{*Snerk*}

Well time had passed and him and me

{He and I}

were sitting in his house both of us quiet, not saying a word.

{Usually, when you"re quiet you aren"t speaking...redundancy at it"s finest .}

I looked up at him from my spot in his lap

{Dude, you must be some kind of midget, right? Either that or your head was in his lap...}

and told him I loved him and he told me I love u too back.

{Please...do not ever use netspeak in a story. It hurts your dear readers.}

I thought life was perfect and that it could never be messed up,

{Life starts messed up.}

but I was wrong, wrong in so many ways.

{Has it been mentioned that there hasn"t been a paragraph break at all?}

All of sudden he jumped up and ran out of the house leaving me there, with a 'sorry babe I love but I go to go' and that was it.

{Wait, so he just...ran away? What a pussy.}

He left me there no kiss, or wave jus a rush out the door.

{Well, I"d leave you that way too if I just realised I was planning on marrying you.}

I sat up thinking what the hell was going on. Then things started to run thru my mind,

{So, is thinking...different from things running "thru'your mind?}

"was he going back to his old wife?

{Ooh! I know, I know! You"re just the mistress. How sweet.}

Sneaking little visits here and there, without me even knowing?"

{I"m sure it was quite easy to do a lot without you knowing.}

Oh, how mad I would be if I found out that was what he was doing.

{Just how mad would you be? You"re the mistress, or haven"t you figured that out yet?}

But no I had no clue that he where he was.

{ Are you missing a few words and letters? Maybe you meant: "But now I had no clue that he was happy where he was, without me."}

I sat back and listened to my noisy roommate up stairs

{Upstairs is one word, honey. }

and laughed to myself as she blasted Aerosmith singing to it loudly.

{Learn about the beauty of a comma. Also, if that was my roomate I"d have brained her.}

By now so many things were going thru my mind

{As opposed to going through your mind. And I thought we"d been over this already? }

such as, "he cheated on his other wife to be with me, why wouldn"t he cheat on me?"

{Do you really believe him when he says he"s going get a divorce?}

or "did he really love me?"

{Wow, already thinking in the past tense. Guess your relationship was a little rockier than you thought.}

I had asked him if he loved me earlier that day, and he said yes along with a lot of other flattering stuff

{Such as: "I love the way you suck my dick.'or perhaps "Aw shit, you are cuter than my wife!"}

which made me love him more cuz

{Because. Never use netspeak.}

he always had a way with words.

{Still, not one paragraph break.}

Then I heard him, I heard him

{Must you really repeat yourself, repeat yourself twice?}

talking to my roommate up stairs.

{Uh oh! So now he"s cheating on his wife and his mistress. Big fucking surprise.}

Was he secretly seeing her behide my back?

{Maybe he would, if behide was a word. }

Why would he go with her?

{She"s smarter than you.}

I looked across the room to see one of my lovers

{Adultress! You admit to having more than one lover too! Then why can"t he?}

best friends, sitting there singing Cold to himself quietly.

{Where did this random friend come from?}

I listened again to my roommate upstairs, but what I heard this time made my heart stop.

{And, from lack of blood circulation, I died. The end.}

The bed was creaking'yes I knew I was jumping to conclusions

{Yes. After all, he could just be sitting on her bed, with her on top of h im, of course.}

but until I heard her shout out

{Rather than shouting in.}

"ooh go slowly'my whole heart felt like it was ripped out thru

{Through}

my throat and stabbed repeatedly over and over.

{It"s just too bad it didn"t actually happen that way.}

I looked back over to the friend, he was jus sitting alone bobbing his head to the song singing along, and while I watched him I slowly became attracted to him.

{I remind you once more, dear, commas are your friend. And apparently, you don"t really care that your best friend is fucking your boyfriend.}

For what reason I did not know, but I was getting attracted to him as time passed.

{Repetition. You must let us know that you"re attracted to the friend. This way, we won"t be surprised when you act like a vindictive bitch and sleep with him to get back at your boyfriend. }

He got up like he knew what I was wanting,

{Either that or he"s just a horny little bitch too.}

and came and sat behide

{There is that "behide'word again. I wonder what it really means.}

me on the couch, telling me how tired I looked.

{"Jesus, you look like hell, wanna fuck?"}

Maybe I looked tired cuz I was thinking too much but I didn"t know I jus wanted to get back at my lover for what I thought he was doing.

{Commas. Use commas. And, if you only thought he was, then you should wait until you know he was. After all, he might just be moving her bed. *snigger*}

Slowly, the friend of ours was making me want him more.

{He wasn"t important enough to have a name, I just wanted to fuck him.}

He started to give me a neck massage asking me if anyone ever said I was beautiful.

{Unfortunately, the neck massage turned into a pretty tight hold on my throat. He kept squeezing, and I died. The end.}

Yes, I loved the attention he was giving me shyly I looked down saying I'm not pretty, and he replied with a "oh but you are" and then he kissed me on the neck making me love the connect his lips were having with my neck.

{ That is one long-ass sentence. Not only is it long, but it"s missing a lot. Such as my interest}

He moved up from my neck to my cheekbone and turned me around so that I was sitting on his lap straddling him as he kissed me on my lips dipping his tongue in.

{Acid. He screamed and threw me off him. I hit the wall and died. The end.}

Without thinking

{Not something new.}

I kissed him back adding tongue myself moving around on his hips trying to get him hard, and that was exactly what I did.

{Either you have a really long tongue, or that sentence is just wrong.}

I gave him the boner that soon he would be up my...

{Come on, you know you just want to say it.}

well lets not get ahead of the my little story

{Is that anything like "My Little Pony"?}

now shall we. But like i was saying i was getting him harder with each move i would make over his hips.

{No self-esteem while you"re doing this. Capitalize.}

I laid us back getting him on top of me in between my legs,

{Is he more of a midget than you?}

and slowly he started to undress us. After all the clothes were discarded on the floor thrown into some random corner

{Why doesn"t anyone neatly fold their clothes?}

he slowly entered me moving his member in and out of me in fast paces as i gasped throwing my hands back grabbing the rim on the couch

{Since when have couches had rims? I thought those were exclusive to car tires.}

starting to breathe harder. We start going and my roommate comes down the stairs and stares at us. There we are, both moaning, making the couch move with each thrust, and shes jus standing there staring at us with her mouth hanging open.

{And yet, you keep fucking.}

I heard her talk to someone on the phone and it scared me a little. I jus

{I don"t know if you"re aware, but just is spelled with a T on the end.}

kept on going as my friend went faster and faster making me moan out louder, then i looked back over to the door again

{Because "friend'was boring me now.}

to find my lover standing there.

{Oh wow, I totally didn"t see that one coming.}

My heart stopped and i finally realized what i was doing was wrong.

{I was living!}

I moved forward and pushed him outta me makin him cum a little on the couch and on my stomach, as i sat up and put my clothes back on.

{Without moving from the couch. which is quite an amazing feat, seeing as your clothes were just in some random corner.}

He jus sat there leaned up against the couch arm dumb founded. He couldnt believe that i jus threw him back, and left him there.

{Just like the rest of us can"t believe you keep spelling just with no T.}

I couldnt handle it any more i jus got up and walked straight out, i walked past my lover but i didnt bother saying anything to him cuz i didnt think he would wanna talk to me, so i jus walked home.

{Maybe I missed something, but I thought you were home. Unless your roomate lives upstairs at both houses.}

I got to my house and sat at the table in complete darkness. I couldnt believe what i had jus done, how i could be so heartless.

{How could you?! Heartless vindictive bitch.}

I walked into the kitchen and looked at the darkness started to get outside.

{Excuse me?}

The sky was turning purple with a little dark blue mixed in, it was so beautiful, and i knew at that point, that would b the last night sky that i would ever see.

{How sad! That whole issue with your heart stopping must have been more serious than we thought.}

I looked over to the counter next to me and grabbed the knife that was in the knife holder

{As opposed to being in the banana tree...}

and looked back out at the sky again. God was it beautiful... But i knew that there wasnt a place in the world for me now.

{No, there isn"t. Hurry up and die so this terrible fic will end.}

I screwed up and there was no turning back now.

{ Nope, no turning back. Die a little faster now.}

I love Billy.. but i hurt him, i hurt him

{Do you have a bad stutter or something? You keep repeating yourself.}

bad. I ran the cold metal over my wrist and i closed my eyes tight clenching my teeth as I pushed the blade down into my wrist cutting a gash in my arm.

{Remember kiddies, down the road, not across the street.}

The pain it hurt so bad as i began to cry.

{Apparently your tears are made of acid.}

I cut twice more as the blood ran down my arm to my clothes starting to get soaked in a deep scarlet red.

{Usually in great quantities like that it"s more of a maroon colour, but we"ll let this slide.}

I cried and my eyeliner soon started to fall as well

{You should have gotten the waterproof kind.}

dripping slowly into my wound making it sting.

{Because the gaping wounds didn"t sting in the first place. Just peachy.}

I cut the other wrist and all i could see around me was red. I looked out the window again and then i felt dizzy as i fell to the floor into the red surrounding me.

{Damn, what a trip. Sucks to be you.}

I felt my body still

{Die faster.}

but slowly i felt myself drifting away with the last beat of my heart,

{See, I told you that nasty heart-stopping issue would come back to bite you.}

i closed my eyes thinking only... I love you Billy, and im sry

{Never use abbreviations in a story.}

i didnt tell you about the little delivery we had coming.

{Too bad, the cheese from Wisconsin will just have to go mouldy.}

The little baby that i had growing inside of me

{Ah, shit, so now you"re definately going to hell.}

... im sorry... and with that i slowly went on... leaving my precious billy crying and screaming for me to come back.

{So that he could kill you himself.}

I jus wish i could have... but it was jus to late now...

{Too late to learn how to spell just with a T.}

But i guess sometimes that jus the way life is ..

{Or death, rather.}
---------------------------------------------------------------- *Okay dude haha dont hate me!! i wanted to jus to write somethang and came up with this. Review plz!!*

{Well, I don"t hate you, persay. And how in the hell is the story told in first person if she"s dead? That doesn"t make sense. Overall, you might have had a good story if you checked better. That and made it a little more interesting. Oh, and learned how to spell just with a T. And so, my first MST has come to an end. Let me know if I should keep MST-ing or not.

Thanks,
Twiggysrabies.